Lately

‘Mistakes are proof that you’re trying.’

I never felt this low in my entire life. It seems like nothing is going right in all aspects of my life right now.

I am trying to be patient and kind to myself by knowing that I did the best I could. And if it’s still not enough for them. It is okay.

I feel like I am drowning with my negative thoughts and overthinking. And I never credit myself for all those times I had been resilient.

However this time, I don’t want to be resilient. I just want to let myself feel what they need to feel. Honor every emotions and express them as much as I could.

I am always the girl that is ‘too much’ for many. There were moments that I am thinking that maybe they were right. Maybe I am actually too much. Maybe yeah, it is my fault.

But this time, I realized that it is never wrong to ask for more when you know to yourself you deserve more. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Your sunshine is coming.

Healing

Healing is weird.

Some days you feel like..

You’re at the top of the world, next day at the rock bottom

Not being able to leave the bed for days, not eating nor showering and next thing you know

You want to flip your whole damn house to renovate or redecorate something…for a change.

Some days you feel genuinely happy, hopeful and present. But somedays, you doubt yourself.

You overthink everything. And thinking that maybe no one is really out there for you.

But you know what I realized from this crazy process of healing, I always pick myself up.

No matter what kind of day it is. I never stopped. I cried. still crying. maybe.

But what I am proud of, I always choose to get up, continue and move forward.

It is what it is.

You spent nearly 10 years of your life together.

Planned everything with him, invested your feelings,

And in the end none of that matters.

Because the truth is, you build a man for someone else.

Maybe the role you need to play in his life is done. His role in your life is done.

You’re allowed to cry. To be sad. To feel tired. To question everything.

And that’s okay. It was bound to happen. You knew it all along.

It happened to teach you a lesson, to grow up, to be emotionally strong.

And for you to realized that, it’s not that he’s not ready..

But because you’re not the woman for him. He needed someone not like you.

And it is what it is. The truth. A chapter has closed.

In another life

Living in your 20s is all about the fun, adventure and independence.

Big city, career ladder to climbed, endless on-the-go iced coffees, meeting new faces that sometimes you even don’t remember their names.

Sometimes, after a very long day. I lay down in my bed, think and be alone with my thoughts..like right now. I just realized how damn lucky I am.

Thinking one day, if the universe allows. I’ll be able to see the version of myself-old and gray.

Looking into myself and remembering all the adventures and how many versions of me that I was able to lived.

One thing for sure, once that day happened. I will be able to tell myself that I lived the life I chose.

Friends

Let me ask you, how many friends you gained and lost during this lifetime?

This is my story. My cousins and I grew up together, we did everything together. Childhood was awesome and will always be my favorite memory. We shared dreams as if the world will just simply hand it to us. We were so naive until we became adults.

We went into our separate ways, had different set of friends, became busy finishing school and chasing our own life. One got married early, one just simply disappeared to avoid the gossips in our neighborhood because she got into a relationship with a married man, one is going through a divorce, one is blessed with harmonious family and there is me became busy chasing after my goals.

Indeed, each of our life is colorful. You know what the funny thing is, the love we have for each other is still there. We knew what happened to each other but the lost ones, we accepted them without judgements. We do life together. We are each other’s home that no matter what life throws at we know exactly in our hearts that there will always be people who will accept, love and help you to get back into your feet.

I guess that is love. When you love someone, no if’s, no but’s, no past mistakes will tarnish what you have for them. This is so cliche and cheesy but I found my treasures in life. Friends and cousins in one. I am more brave and confident to go through life because of these people.

I lost and gained friendships through this lifetime but one constant will always be my cousins.

Hi, I’m Hana.

And I’m trying to live my authentic life by knowing who truly am I and finding my purpose.

When we were born our beliefs, morals, traditions, perception of what is wrong and right were greatly influenced by people surrounding us and environment we grew up in. As a baby who can’t think for themselves we are already consumed by the teachings that passed down to us from generations to generations. And if you’re like me who labeled themselves as different among the family. Breaking chains, trying to take a different path will not be so easy.

As an adult, we can now decide and think for our own good because we have now our freewill. There are moments that I am still questioning, if the choices I made before and the beliefs I believed into is because that is what I truly believed and wanted to or is it just because it is heavily influenced by the beliefs that were passed down on me?

So with that question replaying in my head, I set myself into the journey of unlearning the things, beliefs and values I learned before and keep what make sense to me. This is one of the most liberating moment for me. I am still trying to figure it out and learning of what I truly wanted. All I know is life is too short not to live our authentic self.

I want to live my life full of ‘I am so glad I did that!’ rather than ‘what ifs’. I want to take all my chances, live every season of life, fully embracing myself in every stages of life. There is so much more to life and it took me a lot of time before I truly understand the meaning of it. May we all find our purpose.

Osaka, I love you

Hi, I’m back.

2017. 22 years old. first time to live in a city and alone.

I was full of life and adventure when I first move in. Until reality happened, I struggled a lot during my first 3 years, had my ups and downs, felt happiness, sadness and all in-betweens. I almost gave up because I felt like I don’t belong in here. I thought this city is too big for a small town girl like me. I had nothing but my dreams, hope and faith that the universe put me where I am supposed to be.

2021. 26 years old. contented.

I don’t know what changed but one thing I know for sure is that finally, I am embracing the life I have. I was living in my past where I didn’t realized how blessed I am and how I am robbing the people who wants to know me just because I am scared to trust. The only constant thing in our life is change. It’s either we learn how to go with the flow or go against it and drown. I met genuinely people, fell in love with city, move in knowing zero names and probably one day, leaving it knowing hundred names.

My greatest adventures happened here. I was able to laugh, cry and grow. Osaka will always have a place in my heart. Who knew that a small town girl like me will be able to survive this big, loud and fast-paced city? As the saying goes, our fate is already destined even before we were born.

Kobe Port 2021

Falling in love

Falling in love can be also about places. One thing for sure is that I don’t know where I’m gonna be in the next 5 years. So, I learned how to live my life in the moment.

Over the course of years, I have this love-hate relationship with this country but I’m so grateful for the opportunity to know and experience Japan.

A lot of people thinks Japan is all about cherry blossoms, matcha and sushi. However, it’s more than that…

It can be so deep it makes you feel like your drowning. Life is so raw that sometimes you even forget how to laugh and smile. And at the end of the day, silence can be your only friend.

But at the same time, you appreciate silence when the world is tiring. You love how raw life can be cause you learned how to stand up at your own feet. And lastly, you understand happiness is a proactive choice and you will define it on your own.

It’s like falling in love with a person. Sometimes, we hate their flaws but we accept it because we love them. For the last 5 years, I didn’t realized how attached I become with this country. Now, I know that I will be always torn between two lands. Japan is home. Philippines is home.

Hakone, Japan

Christmas 2019

It’s my 3rd Christmas by myself but don’t get me wrong because I completely enjoyed it. Because of that I had so many thoughts and realizations that came in, as a person I never get contented. I am always looking for more, working so hard, saving up money so hard because I want so many material things and places I want to go. But then, this pause gave me a realization.

Most of the time I am unstoppable, I forget how blessed I am with everything I have because I wanted more out of this life and world. I always tell myself to work so hard so I can buy that and this. But the truth is, everyone of us on this earth has purpose. God created us with a purpose.

I always dream big but most of the time is for myself but I realized this is not how I want to live my life. I want to find my purpose and leave a legacy when I die. This might sound so deep but I know since I was a kid that I think different from others. So this coming 2020, I will learn how not to be so selfish anymore, learn to dream big that will leave footprint in the community and be sensitive with the needs of others as well.

It’s okay.

The problem with being the ‘strong, independent woman’ is no one actually asking if you’re okay. Nobody knew what are the battles you’ve been facing on. No one heard you when you’re crying to yourself at night thinking where and what you did wrong.

I’m so tired to be strong all the time and patting myself on the back. I’m so exhausted of facing my day as if nothing happened. I hope someone will actually tell me that..it is okay. It’s okay if you’re not okay and my feelings are valid.

But I know no one will understand..no one. I hope 2020 is better cause 2019 broke me in so many ways.